The Naïve Alienator
Remember that naive alienators are usually ignorant about what they are doing and have no malicious intent. A parent dealing with a naïve alienator should not panic and should instead trust his or her relationship with their children. Children learn early that their parents will say things they don't mean. They are very adept at letting things go in one ear and out the other. If parents believe there is a problem trusting children's reaction to alienation, they need to focus on strengthening the relationship rather than retaliating against the other parent. They should monitor their own reactions and behaviors so they don't start their own alienating campaign. They should try talking to the other parent without making accusations or attacking. The other parent may appreciate their comments if the targeted parent says them with some sensitivity. Attorneys may suggest the following practices to clients in this situation:
• Be sure that the majority of time with children is positive, and avoid yelling and screaming which
will drive children away;
• Praise children for what they do well; if all they hear is criticism, they will learn to avoid the
source of the criticism;
• Play with them at their developmental level and do what they, rather than what parents, want to
do;
• After discipline or punishment, make a point to make up;
• Listen to what the child has to say;
• Give hugs and kisses if they are receptive;
• Brag about the children to others;
• Attend school sport and social functions;
• Have their pictures around the house.
Strengthening the relationship with children takes time. Parents need to be reminded by their attorney to be patient and resist any desire to retaliate. Retaliation only makes matters worse and hurts the children.
The Active Alienator
How a parent deals with the active alienator is similar to the naïve alienator. Parents must stay calm, trust their relationship with their children, and resist retaliating. The difficulty a parent has with the active alienator is the parent's inability to control the rage and hurt built up inside. The feelings can interfere with the targeted parent's relationship and time spent with the children. Together, both parents need education and counseling to focus on the issues causing the problems. Sometimes, the active alienator requires individual therapy to help with their loss and grief. A parent should support these efforts without being punitive. Taking this tactic, the children will be better off in the long run. Attorneys can be very helpful to their client if they are targeted for alienation by suggesting that they:
• Don't panic;
• Become a supportive listener;
• Guard against becoming an alienator, beginning by knowing the symptoms;
• Resist the temptation to argue or get defensive if the problem continues, and try to talk openly
about what one is seeing and feeling. Work on keeping the relationship with the child strong;
• Don't violate court orders;
• Begin a log of activities if problems with parenting time develop;
• Don't be intimated into stopping parenting time, and remember that attorneys can be crucial in
advising parents of their rights.
The Obsessed Alienator
Dealing with an obsessed alienator is more complex and difficult than dealing with the other two types of alienators, because the alienating parent has already had considerable success in alienating the children from the targeted parent. The children may refuse to have anything to do with the targeted parent, making it next to impossible for the parent to talk with them and try to repair the damage. No matter how frustrated and angry a targeted parent feels, however, he or she should not give up on the children. The targeted parent should find some support, either from family, his or her attorney, a counselor, or other parents. Parents need to be sure to do whatever they and their attorney believe is necessary to keep visits going. Even if the other parent refuses visits, the targeted parent should keep trying and should maintain a log of his or her activities. Also, it is very important that the parent does not violate any court orders or do anything that forces his or her attorney to defend the parent's behavior. A common tactic used by some attorneys is to deflect the issues by attacking the targeted parent and forcing his or her attorney to defend the parent's behavior. Parents should behave themselves so this does not happen.
The most difficult part of dealing with the obsessed alienator is keeping one's anger in control and not retaliating. Though it is understandable, retaliation usually does nothing more than cause the targeted parent more problems. In fact, the obsessed alienator will frequently use the targeted parent's retaliation, pointing out to the children how the parent behaved and reinforcing the argument that the parent isn't worthy to see the children. Again, the targeted parent is put on the defensive without having any access to the children to blunt the other parent's blows. Whatever the parent does, he or she must stay focused on keeping the relationship with the children strong and not entangle them in the fight with the alienating parent.
When a targeted parent begins to sense that the children are becoming alienated, he or she should immediately tell an attorney or mediator about what is happening. Parents should then look into getting a court order to get the children in therapy as soon as possible, with the understanding that the therapist will be reporting to the court. The therapist should monitor and report to the court the compliance to the court order. The therapist should also understand parental alienation syndrome. The following suggestions are other methods of attacking the problem of obsessed alienators. Attorneys can advise their clients of these suggestions:
• Don't give up on the children;
• Keep anger and hurt under control;
• Don't retaliate;
• Be sure the court supports continued visits;
• Don't stop going to visits; if the other parent refuses, keep showing up unless the court order
says otherwise;
• Keep a log of activities, especially relating to visitation;
• Focus on keeping the relationship with the children positive, and don't pump them for
information or begin counter alienation;
• Don't wait to intervene; if there is a problem, contact an attorney or get back into mediation;
• Seek a court order requiring both parents to get into family therapy;
• Monitor one's own behavior to prevent counter-alienation;
• If the problem continues, try to understand to what the other parent is reacting; if necessary, try
to talk openly about what is occurring;
• Don't violate court orders;
• Use legal mechanisms like a guardian ad litem to monitor the parent's compliance to the court
order.
These suggestions should help, but they do not guarantee that the problems will be solved to everyone's satisfaction. There is no magic bullet. That is why early detection and prevention before the alienation gets out of hand is imperative.
Deciding which strategies are best for dealing with alienation will depend on whether a parent is targeted by a naïve, active, or obsessed alienator. Attorneys, mental health professionals, and judges will have different perspectives about what to do with alienation. Naïve alienators should rarely appear in court because of alienating behavior. Active alienators, unable to control their feelings and outbursts to the detriment of all, and obsessed alienators, hoping to cut off all contact between the children and the other parent, are the alienators most often seen in court. When a parent is the target of any kind of alienator, there are some things he or she needs to keep in mind to lessen the damage and hurt to the children